Objective vs Subjective
We all, yes all (myself included!), often voice our opinions and treat it as, or even believe it to be, objective truth. Take these examples - have you found yourself with any of these thoughts before?
Nobody ever understands me
He/she is terrible
I should be or do better
It is natural to have these thoughts, but rationally we can understand that these absolute statements are far from truth. So why is it that we so often speak in absolutes? Is it simply easier to use fewer words, a shortcut for our expression of our perception? Or perhaps, does it feel better to use absolute language? Is it more empowering to state something as a fact, rather than a feeling? Or, maybe it makes some of us uncomfortable to own our true feelings? Consider the vulnerability in these alternatives to the statements above:
I feel misunderstood by so many people
He/she has hurt me
I feel I have let myself down. I want better for myself.
While the feelings above are more or less universal, there are tools we can use to challenge these feelings as absolute truths:
Reframing the negative experience from an objective reality to one’s emotional perception of /reaction to a situation: For example:
Traffic is the worst, I cannot stand this! →I’m feeling very impatient and agitated sitting here. I would like to have been home by now.
I’m so lazy, I’ll never get this done. →I’m feeling unmotivated and off schedule. I’m worried about my deadline.
How could I have screwed that up? I’m so stupid. →I feel embarrassed about that mistake. I’m worried about what my colleagues will think of me.
Taking the experience at face-value, versus using it as evidence for an absolute truth.
Traffic can be a real pain sometimes. There are other things I’d rather spend my time doing right now.
Sometimes schedules feel tight. I am 25% through the project. I am pacing behind, but I still have 2 more weeks to build a plan.
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Though I hold myself to a high standard, I am not perfect and I made an error.
You can already sense in the examples above, the opening for a redirection of the experience. From here, we can take our energy away from the negativity, and use it to find a solution, positivity, and compassion… You might find the ability to turn on music or a podcast or just do some deep breathing. You might plot a course of action to pick up the pace on your project. You might feel ready to move on from your mistake and continue on at work with confidence.
Important! What I am not asking you to do is reframe your experience as completely positive! That can just be speaking in absolutes in another form. Undermining your negative experience entirely and only focusing on the positive experiences might take the focus off the negativity in the moment, but does not allow you to truly own your feelings. Owning the negative experience by naming the subjective emotion washing over you makes room for the positivity to arrive naturally.
Take a moment to consider the last time you spoke in absolutes and how it may have impacted future actions. Treating opinions as fact can be quite limiting, whereas owning our subjective feelings opens the door for self-acceptance and growth.
Key takeaway: When it comes to our own experiences and feelings, speaking in objective terms can negatively impact our mindset and therefore our behavior. As with “should-ing,” the more specific we can be and the more we can own our subjective experience, the better equipped we will be to handle the challenges that come our way.
